I'm back!

I've really been debating whether to start completely fresh with my blog and writings or if I should leave the old address and posts. For now, I have decided to leave them because they are part of my story and my journey. God has taken me down the curviest of paths so far in my 39 years on this planet and the truth is, I've learned to accept them all. I will always have things I wish I could change or that I would have done differently, but I can't, so acceptance seems really important. I'm an open book and for better and for worse, I want to remain that way. I want to share it all in hopes that it might help someone else. More to come very soon....

Thankful Thursday

So, apparently I've been away for a while! lol For some reason, I just had the desire to blog today. Perhaps it's because I'm sick of the drama and the dirty laundry all over facebook. The jealousy, the bitterness, the resentment, the anger, the spewing of words for the whole world to see because someone's in a moment of unhappiness....sheesh...I'm depressed already! I love facebook, and there are so many wonderful things about it, but I guess I just wanted a safe, calm, soothing place to express myself today. So, I've been absent from the blog world for so long, that the host doesn't do Thankful Thursday's anymore. Surely there is another link up somewhere for it, but for today, I'm just going to be thankful on my own...perhaps you might join me??

Today, I am deeply thankful for God's longsuffering..His patience..His willingness to put up with me in all my failures. They say the definition of insanity is making the same decisions an choices over and over again expecting different results. That's me! I wouldn't even say I expect different results. Perhaps I hope for, or wish there were going to be different results. Sometimes I'm not even thinking far enough ahead to the results stage...just the "what makes me happy now stage." :( Yet God, in all His goodness, doesn't leave me in this continuing state of insanity. He looks beyond my sin, beyond my self-destructive habits and choices, and shows me not just mercy, but also grace. He lovingly teaches me new things. Sometimes through trials, and sometimes through just delightful revelation of His Word. He keeps growing me, and molding me to be more like Him. I'm so thankful for that.

My prayer for today, is that I will grow to be less and less stubborn and resistant to His "pruning of my branches" and that I will resist the lies of the Enemy, which work against the glory of the Lord and His purposes. Praying for you too...

The Halloween Divide

So here it is that time of year again, where Christians debate the never ending debate of what to do about Halloween. I have read many posts and articles on the subject over the years. Some I agreed with, some that made me think, and some that I despised. You know what they all had in common though? Division and spite in the comments section. I can't tell you how much this breaks my heart. I see it as just one more thing that Christians divide themselves over. Along with wearing skirts or not wearing skirts, KJV only or using other translations, rapture or no rapture, homeschool or public school, full submersion or sprinkle, on and on and on and on, we continue to divide ourselves based on non-essential issues. Why do we do this? Are we really so impressed with ourselves that we truly believe we have all the right answers, and millions of others who serve the same True Living God must have it all wrong? Do we feel like only we have a direct line to God and all His wisdom, therefore it must be our job to set everyone else straight on their misguided and misinformed views and decisions? Let's really think about this for a minute. Also, please know that I have been guilty of this myself, many a times. However, through the grace of God I want to STOP!!!!

It is NOT our job to be the Holy Spirit in anyone's lives. Believe me, it isn't a job that any of us really want anyway. It may seem great, but we all fall so incredibly short from being qualified to do that job, and God will hold us accountable for trying! Only God knows His ways and His specific will for His people. We know the general; that God wills for us all to be saved, grow in sanctification, become more Christ like, be a vessel to further the Kingdom and live a life pleasing to God. However, only God knows the how, why, when, where and what of the way that looks in each individual. Unless something is stated clearly and undebateably in scripture, we have no right to chastise anyone for anything, and declare our supreme knowledge over their failure or ignorance. It breaks my heart how much we hurt one another in the name of what? In the name of a God who doesn't NEED us to do anything that HE wills? Do we really think God wants or needs us to hurt a fellow brother or sister in Christ in order to make His ways known to them? Oh, fellow Christians, no. No, He definitely does not desire that. I can say that, because that is clearly and undeniably in scripture. Though shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. You must remove the plank from your own eye before you can remove the splinter in your brothers. There are many, many more.

I believe we can say what we believe, as we are all commanded to be ready to give account for what we believe. It is not our job though, to criticize our fellow believers for their beliefs. I truly believe that one Christian can celebrate Halloween and be just as much in God's will as another Christian who doesn't. I believe a sister wearing a skirt can be just as much in God's will as one that is wearing pants. Being in God's will is not following a set of rules or laws. God already said we can't follow the law, and that's why He sent His Son to pay the wages for our sins. What God HAS asked us to do, is walk in the Spirit. Follow His leading. We don't know what the Holy Spirit has asked our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ to do, so we can't point a finger of accusation and self-righteousness. Worry about what God has asked you to do, and not what others are doing.  Even when you feel someone is living in sin, extend grace to others.... remembering the grace that God continually extends to us in our daily disobedience.

Just imagine how strong we would stand, and how effective we would be at evangelizing, if we closed the divide, and only stood on what was truly essential to salvation! True believers across the globe would be a force to be reckoned with!

A Funeral and a Testimony

I just wanted to share that on the 16th of October, my husband lost his mother who was only 60 years old. She battled diabetes, Rheumatoid Arthritis, and Alzheimers. Although his has been an incredibly hard time, we have seen God's sovereignty all throughout and He has clearly shown His goodness and faithfulness! We believe she still knew Him and her hope of eternity with her Savior when she passed. (Which was our prayer) Even though she couldn't speak or move, we believe she knew her boys and husband were by her side, because she went extremely peacefully. From the time she got her early onset Alzheimer diagnosis, it went pretty fast. Although that would be hard for many, it was a blessing for us, because we didn't want years of drawn out declining memory and loss of who she was as we had known her for so many years. She watched her own mother die of the same disease and it was a long drawn out, and awful process for her to witness. She wouldn't have wanted that for us, and had she been aware of what was happening to her, she would of been happy it went the way it did.

The point I really want to drive home today, is that when I got married 15 years ago, I didn't get a mother-in-law. I got a second mother, a best friend, a spiritual mentor, a prayer warrior, and the world's best babysitter! When two families combine, it is not always a good thing. Many people dread having to see their mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, etc.. Can I please suggest to you today, that you make the very best of it that you can?! We are only here for a very limited time. The Bible calls our lives here just a mist, a vapor, and then we are gone. What lasting legacy are you going to leave? What will people, and family say about you when you are gone? Did you leave a lasting impact on their life? It is a positive and special one? When your mother-in-law passes, will you be able to say that you lost a best friend? If not, is it because of her actions, or yours? Truly? Let's make the best of our short time here on earth, and ask God to help us to put aside selfish feelings and agendas. They are so temporary, but the healthy relationships we build and work on can have a very long lasting impact!!

Believing God

So I just had to say, that tomorrow morning I will be going to my 4th weekly session of the Bible study, Believing God, by Beth Moore. WOW! I go to the morning group at our church, and there are only about 10 of us that meet in that particular one; but God meets where there are just 2 or 3 gathered in His name amen?! ;) It has been so powerful already, and I just feel like it's one of those studies at one of those moments in your life where you just know it's going to be a life changer! The 5 main points we are learning are

1)God is who He says He is
2)God can do what He says He can do
3)I am who God says I am
4)I can do all things through Christ
5)God's Word is alive and active in me

Sounds awesome, doesn't it?! It certainly has been so far. I have already shed some tears...okay, lots of tears...and feel God working within my heart. The thing that has stuck out the most to me so far, is that for so many of us (even long time strong in the faith believers) our view of God has gotten smaller. Whether it be through prayers that seem to go unanswered, trials that seem all to frequent and difficult, Pastor's and biblical leaders who preach and teach that we are to just sit and be happy with what God has given us, or just the overwhelming amount of pain, suffering and evil we see all around us today; we seem to have lost the reality that our God is HUGE and bigger than all these things! Are we to find joy and contentment in the midst of our everyday circumstances? Yes. Are we to accept that there will always be trials and difficulties? Yes. Should we understand that it is for our good that some prayers go "seemingly" unanswered? Yes. Does it grow increasingly difficult for every believer to see the pain, suffering and evil ever so present in our day? Absolutely. However, do we need to take a step a step back, take in a deep breath, re-read our scriptures and have hope in a God of miracles, that He can still do huge and drastically wonderful things in our lives? YES!!!!

We've got to have hope. This life is too depressing without it. We won't always get our prayers answered the way we want, because God cares most about what is going on in our inward person, but that doesn't mean He doesn't greatly act on our behalves in the outward! Go back and read through the miracles in the Bible, and in the majority of them, you will find the words "because of your faith," "your faith has made you well," "because you believe." Faith pleases God. It's a known biblical fact. When we reach out in faith, He is often moved to then act in our lives and in the lives of those whom we are praying for. Let's not put God in a box and say we know exactly what He will and will not do. His ways are above our ways, and He is sovereign above all. Let's believe Him for the miracles we need. Whether it's healing, salvation, reconciliation, freedom, financial, a mountain in the way...whatever it is. Let's believe Him for it, with unwaivering and undoubting faith. Let's not give up, and not give Him a timeframe to answer us to our satisfaction. Let's put our whole being into believing our God is the HUGE God of miracles until He delivers it to us, or closes the chapter. If and when He delivers us our desires, let us praise Him for it far and wide. On the other hand, if and when He does close the chapter on our petition, let us know that it's because the work He is doing within us is more important than the outward.

Just my thoughts this week, and what God is speaking to me about in my heart. Any thoughts of your own?!

Making Your Home A Haven- Fall Challenge 2013

It's that time of the year again! I highly encourage you to jump on board this challenge and be intentional about making your home a peaceful haven for all who live in it! I have learned over the years that just thinking about how we need to do something, is not enough...especially where spiritual matters are concerned. We have to be INTENTIONAL!!! Join in with me, and so many others, and let's see God work in our homes! :)

Just click on the picture to go to Courtney's Blog and the challenge!

What's going wrong?

I wanted to show you the pictures of my china hutch that I finally got done making over, but every time I try to upload a picture, internet explorer stops working, and it closes and reopens the page. Does anyone know why it's doing this, or how to fix it? I've never had blogger do that to me before :(

Prayers Needed

The last two, almost 3 weeks have been some of the hardest I've ever gone through. My boss and long time friend lost her 17 year old son on July 5th. What's worse, is he killed himself. My husband and I have been friends of the family for over 10 years, and I also worked with the mom, oldest daughter, and this boy who ended his life all too soon. We have no answers as to why, and maybe that's for the best, as no one can place certain blame...but it also leaves room for everyone to place uncertain blame. We are all struggling, and hurting so deeply. This boy touched our entire town, and surrounding town, as he was an amazing person. He was an incredibly talented football player, and took state two years in a row with his team. Please pray for our community, myself, and especially the Leishing family. Thank you so much..

Blame it all on facebook

So, I was wondering tonight why I still can't ever get to my blog to post when I have more time now to be on the computer. I think it all boils down to facebook. I am a HUGE facebook nut now, even though I was so opposed to it when it first came out. It's so easy to quickly see what everyone is up to, and to quickly type an update about ones own day. When I do think to check my blog, I really am at a loss for what to say. I have forgotten how to write in long form! haha! So, if you're on fb, let me know your full registered facebook name in the comments, and I'll send you a friend request! :) However, I am almost done with painting a couple more rooms in our new house, so pictures will be coming here soon! Hope everyone has a great 4th of July!!

Time Flies

Has it seriously been a year since I have posted on here? Wow. Time flies. I don't even know where to start to update anyone who may still check in on me! ;) I started a job last September to get out of the house a little bit. I've worked at Dollar General as a sales manager for over 7 months now. I love my job, but they work me to much, and I am needed at home more. So, I'm switching over to just 3 days a week at a gas station. It was a hard decision to make, and I'm still praying it's the right one. Kids will only be kids for so long, right?! ;)

I still homeschool my younger 3, but we put my oldest into public school this past semester. He will be in 8th grade in the fall....hard to believe! He turns 13 in a couple weeks, and will be spending the summer at a Ranch with my parents. SO excited for him! The biggest blessing of the past year, just came a couple months ago. We FINALLY got to move out of that old, worn out rental house, and now live in a beautiful house in the country! I'll have to show you some photos!

God has richly tried us and blessed us this past year! I've gained a lot of weight back, going through those trials, but not all of it. I am more Christ like though, and thankful for that! :) What I am trying to do with my body never comes before what God is trying to do in my heart!

I'm still making jewelry, but not to sell, and just in my spare (which is VERY spare) time. I make it for myself now, and to give as gifts. I can't say I won't ever do more craft shows though, because those were SO fun, and granted me more money to buy more beads! ;)

I miss you all very much, and hope that I am coming into a new season of life where I can keep in touch better! Bye for now...(((hugs)))

If you are a woman, you need to watch this video!

I can't even begin to tell you how strongly I feel about the subject of modesty. I lived 20 years not even knowing what the term meant, and I regret every minute of it; and the damage that my ignorance undoubtedly caused. Please, watch this video, and find out what men really think about modesty.

A MUST WATCH FOR EVERYONE!!!!

Handmade Jewelry For Sale

Happy Almost Easter everyone!! Or as I like to call it, Resurrection Sunday! :) I just wanted to share with you what I have been up to. I have a started my own little jewelry making business. I'm keeping it small, as I still have kids to teach, a husband to take care of, and a house that's constantly needing my attention! ;) I do have several pieces at the local variety store on display, and I have opened up an Etsy shop as well. http://www.etsy.com/shop/kristilea29 I just found it so hard to find beautiful jewelry on a budget. Just because I can't spend a lot, doesn't mean I don't want to have sparkly treasures and beautiful beads on my wrists! ;) So, I started making my own jewelry a couple years ago, and have decided that I can't be the only one who has the same problem of finding quality jewelry on a budget. So, I decided to offer up my services! :P Here are some samples of some of my most recent creations! Of course, feel free to contact me if you would like something you see, or want a custom order! I only have a few things on Etsy, because most of my items are in the Variety store. I would be happy to get them and sell them to you if you want them though! ;)

 $35 Set

 $SOLD

 $11

 $20

 $15

 $15

 $10

 $10

$8

Rick Santorum Video...let's make the right choice USA

I got out this morning and casted my vote for Rick Santorum in the Kansas Republican primary caucus! We were once supporters of Ron Paul, but the fact that he won't stand up for traditional marriage, doesn't support employers checking citizenship for their workers, along with the shaky voting record he's had, left us unable to vote for him. Once we really dug into Rick's background...what he's voted for, how he's lived his life, the choices he's made in and out of government, we knew he's the one true candidate for us. Please watch this latest video of his to Kansans, and consider giving him your support, and your vote. You can learn more about him at www.ricksantorum.com

DO NOT JUDGE

This was floating around facebook, and I thought it was too good not to share....

A doctor entered the hospital in hurry after being called in for an urgent surgery. He answered the call ASAP, changed his clothes and went directly to the surgery block.
He found the boy’s father going and coming in the hall waiting for the doctor. Once seeing him, the dad yelled:
“Why did you take all this time to come? Don’t you know that my son’s life is in danger? Don’t you have the sense of responsibility?”

The doctor smiled and said:
“I am sorry, I wasn’t in the hospital and I came the fastest I could after receiving the call…… And now, I wish you’d calm down so that I can do my work”

“Calm down?! What if your son was in this room right now, would you calm down? If your own son dies now what will you do??” said the father angrily

The doctor smiled again and replied: “I will say what Job said in the Holy Bible “From dust we came and to dust we return, blessed be the name of God”. Doctors cannot prolong lives. Go and intercede for your son, we will do our best by God’s grace”

“Giving advice when we’re not concerned is so easy” Murmured the father.

The surgery took some hours after which the doctor went out happy, “Thank God! Your son is saved!”

And without waiting for the father’s reply he carried on his way running. “If you have any question, ask the nurse!!”

“Why is he so arrogant? He couldn’t wait some minutes so that I ask about my son’s state” Commented the father when seeing the nurse minutes after the doctor left.

The nurse answered, tears coming down her face: “His son died yesterday in a road accident, he was in the burial when we called him for your son’s surgery. And now that he saved your son’s life, he left running to finish his son’s burial.”

NEVER JUDGE ANYONE because you never know how their life is and as to what is happening or what they’re going through.

Weekly Weigh-in

Well.... :( I managed to lose a whopping .2 pounds this week. I'm so frustrated with seeing the same 3 numbers over and over and OVER again. :/ I did better at being more consistent with exercise, but not in the first two days of the week, and I didn't eat well either. So I spent the rest of the week playing catch-up and now I just want to throw the scale out the window and get a new one...as if it will tell me anything better! :P Still, when you work so hard and see no change, it does begin to seem like it's defective. As upset as I want to be though, I really can't be. A skirt that was too tight to really wear two weeks ago, now hangs an inch and a half below my belly button, so good things are happening! :) I don't know if I'm just retaining water because I've been intaking too much sodium, or if I had a spring of muscle here lately. People blaming no weight loss on muscle gain has always been a pet pieve of mine. It takes a whole month to even start building enough muscle to make a difference in weight, and there should still be enough fat loss to make up the difference. However, I have been building muscle for three months now, and a few weeks ago, I really stepped up how much toning I've been doing, so who knows. What I do know, is that even though the scale hasn't changed much since before Christmas, my body really has! My waist is MUCH smaller, and I have lots of muscle that I've really noticed lately! I can flex my arms, and you can SEE and FEEL biceps and triceps! :) My legs are so much smaller too. It's really encouraging. When you work so hard, and don't see the numbers change much, it really causes you to look for other signs of progress. I'm glad I found a lot! lol! I can honestly say that for the first time in years, I feel comfortable in my own skin! Even though I have a ways to go still, I am proud of my physical self for the first time in a REALLY long time! Praise God for that!! So no matter what happens this week, and no matter what I weigh on my birthday next Thursday; I am proud of myself, and comfortable living in my body!

I did go to Walmart today though, and bought $266 worth of healthy groceries for all of us! Not a single junk item made it into the cart, with the exeption of some crackers that I had already promised the kids. The rest is lean beef and turkey, chicken breasts, frozen and fresh veggies, fruits, yogurt, low fat natural cheeses, and so forth! So I am praying for a wonderful week for all of us. I am really surprised how cooperative the kids were. They didn't complain about the things I past up, and didn't get impatient with my label reading. They are really starting to take an interest in the health of their food items too. That's a real blessing, because that is something good I'm doing that can be passed on, and benefit others! :) My goal is to keep adding more grocery money to the budget so that we can all eat healthy. I'm tired of feeding them junk, and I'm tired of the temptations being around the house.

I have to throw this in there... reading labels is SO INCREDIBLY important! Have you ever read the ingredient list for the boxed brocolli in cheese sause?!? All it is, is brocolli and cheese, but the ingredient list takes up a quarter of the back panel. As I was reading down the list, I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or get mad...so I did a little of each. lol. I HATE wasting food, but I'm throwing out the 3 boxes in my freezer. Now that I know about what these things do to our bodies, I just can't stand to feed it to any of us. Steamed fresh or frozen brocolli with low fat natural shredded cheese on top, is WAY healthier, and actually tastes better, IMO.

Until next week!

Weekly Weigh-in; Almost there

Well, I made my goal for the week. I lost exactly 2 pounds this week! It's an exciting little benchmark, because that puts me up to 35.1 total pounds lost; and I got to put up another badge on my left sidebar! :) The really exciting part, is that I have two weeks left until my birthday, and if I keep up the 2 pounds a week until then, I will be at the halfway mark on my birthday! Halfway to my ultimate and final weight loss goal of 77.7 pounds! I'm feeling good, and am confident in my reaching that halfway mark! So, we're almost there....2 more weeks. During these two weeks, I am going to focus on two specific things; getting in more water, and getting in more exercise.

I've noticed that now that I've gone 7 months only drinking water, that I don't focus as much on how much I'm actally intaking. In the beginning, I was so focused and structured about measuring how much I was drinking, and drinking glasses at certain times each day. I had to be. I hated water, and had to force myself to drink enough. I would reward myself with tea and milk, and 100% juice. Now that I LOVE water, and only have a cup of hot decaffinated tea on a really cold day, I don't focus on it. That has lead me to not get enough in, I think. I'm finding that I'm thirsty shortly before bedtime, and I can't drink that close to bedtime. So, I'm going to focus on consuming more in the day, and see if that helps!

Then there's the exercise thing. I've been really bad since Christmas and company, on getting it in everyday. Another thing I was GREAT about before. 6 days a week, without fail. Now I find myself getting in 2-4. Not good. I don't want to lose the muscle I've gained, I want to keep it and build MORE so I'll be keeping that metabolism high! Plus, I really notice a difference in my waist. Even though I've lost weight, my waist hasn't changed much. Not good either. The first thing I noticed when I exercised faithfully everyday, was how drastically my waist was decreasing! Got to get back to that...otherwise, how will I fit into those beautiful skirts I'm stocking my closet with! ;) (Thank you Mission Thrift Store) lol!

Thanks for being with me on this journey! It's so incredibly hard for me to lose the weight slowly. I want those numbers to fall fast, and to be honest, it's been a struggle barely seeing the scale move each week. I was really hard in October and November to increase my calories when I was losing too fast. I wanted to rejoice and take the big loses. But I can see why my doctors said to do it this way. It does make for lasting change! It makes for a happy, healthy body that has time to adjust to the changes too! Even though there are times I mentally break, and eat something I shouldn't, because I know it won't change the meager numbers I see each week, it's much easier to go back to eating the right way the next meal. It's easier because you know it's a managable lifestlye. It's not a cruel, depriving diet that seems impossible to keep up, so the desire to quit isn't really there.

I see so many of you reading that don't comment, and that's okay! It's encouraging to know you are reading, and that I'm not alone in this. My prayer is that something I say or share honestly, will help you in your own journey as well! Til next week...

Weekly Weigh-in; New Goals

Well, I decided I just had to find the time to post this morning. Hopefully, it won't be my workout that gets cut out to make the time! ;) My weight was up and down and up and down all week. It was beginning to be really frustrating, because in my own mind, there was no reason for it. I was eating great, exercising, drinking plenty of water, and to not get the results I thought I would get, was just SO disturbing to me. In the end, I weighed in at 189.6 this morning. That's a loss of 1.4 pounds. Not the great numbers I was expecting. However, what it did do, was remind me that this journey isn't all about the numbers. It's about the choices. The numbers are just a small reflective of those choices. What I am really wanting, is to better my health by leaps and bounds, and to completely change my lifestyle. The weight loss is a mere benefit of those things. I am still going down, which means I am still going in the right direction. I know those numbers will eventually show the wonderful choices I am making!

I am extrememly excited to be in the 180's again, and I am looking forward to staying in them this time...at least for a few weeks until I hit the 170's! ;) lol! It does bring me to face the reality of my birthday goal though. There is no safe way to reach the goal that I had set, at this point. I'm not going to jeapordize health for that goal, because the goal was made to better health, not harm it. So, instead of just writing it off, I have decided to alter it, and make a new one! I have lost 16 pounds since I made my 30 by 30 goal. If you add that to the 17.1 pounds I had already lost, that means that I am actually down 33.1 pounds so far!! VERY proud of that! Instead of insanely trying to lose 14 pounds in 3 weeks, I am making a new goal of losing 2 more pounds each week until my birthday! That will put me at a total loss of just about 40 pounds, and will put me in the low 180's by my birthday. I think that is a reasonable goal, and one still worth celebrating on such a monumental birthday!! :)

I have finally decided on my final goal as well. I have decided that I am not going to be happy with just getting down to a reasonable weight. I want to go ALL THE WAY! So, my final goal will be to hit 145 on or before July 1st! July 1st is when this journey began, and so I would like to be at my final goal weight within a year! 145 pounds for me, is a size 8, and that's what I'm going to shoot for. Not a 12, not a 10, but an 8! That's as small as my bone structure will allow me to get, and I'm looking forward to getting there!

I really have to get moving now, but I wanted to share my thoughts with you this morning, and do my official weigh-in! I'm going to keep making the next right choice, and hopefully I will see you next week, with a 2 pounds loss to report! Won't you make the next right choice with me??!!

Update

I just had to take a minute to let you know that I may not be able to do my Weekly Weigh-in Post on Thursday. This week has turned into a crazy week. I don't know how, but all of our appointments, commitments and major errands landed on this week. I'll try to get it in, but if I don't, it may be the next week before I post. I will report though, that I have lost weight so far this week, and I am fully back on track with my healthy lifestyle! YAY! :) My Shaklee vitamins have been great so far, and I already have an increase in energy from them! SO happy about that! Now I'm just waiting to get some for the kids. They really need better vitamins to get them through this cold and flu season! We haven't been sick yet, but the stuff sure is going around, it's only a matter of time!

Weekly Weigh-in; Too little Too late...?

I have been dreading having to type up this post. I don't think it was too little, but it was definitely too late. I had the HARDEST time getting back off those sugars, and back to the foods I need to be eating. I put off really doing it until Monday, and when I stepped on the scale that day, I knew it was too late. I had gained 2.6 pounds from Thursday to Monday. :( So, even though I went back to exercising everyday, doing my 4-5 mile walking videos, and eating healthy foods again; I am still looking at a one pound gain this morning. :'(  Seeing 191 again, is so disheartning, when I want to be 183 right now.

I have to tell you though, I'm still super glad that I have my 30x30 birthday goal. I am the kind of person that NEEDS a goal, and something to strive for, or I feel like I'm just aimlessly floating in space. We have goals for our daily schoolwork, and housework. We have weekly, bi-weekly, monthly and yearly financial goals. We have all kinds of goals! I need them, and so does my husband. So even though I am now 7.2 lbs behind on my goal, it motivates me to push forward. Without that goal, I'm afraid I wouldn't strive so hard to keep going. Whether I actually make it or not, it's keeping me moving in the right direction!

This leads me to share the brutally honest truth with you, for my own benefit, and maybe someone out there reading will benefit too. Lysa TerKeurst said in a Webcast session a couple nights ago, that if we aren't brutally honest with others, we can't be honest with ourselves. So, the truth is...I have learned that I have a true sugar addiction. It's not just that I enjoy eating sweets, or they make me happy, or that I just LOVE food. No, I have extremely unhealthy all out CRAVINGS for sugar. Mental and physical. I am also an emotional eater. I would eat when I was happy, eat when I was sad, eat when I was frustrated, mad, lonely, board, etc. Food was my comfort. And that food was always sugar based. I've never ran to a salad to ease my frustration! lol!

When I started this journey in July, I made the commitment to cut out all sugar and caffeine for 30 days. I spend the first 3 days on the couch, unable to participate in life. It took a week to really fully come around. That says something! Those first three weeks were the hardest weeks of my life. I was constantly battling cravings for soda, sweets, and pizza! There were times that I had to go to bed at 7:30 because I was miserable over not being able to fulfill those desires, and I coudn't stand being awake to bear it anymore. After that first month was over, it got much easier. Medical science now shows that there is a true chemical addiction, and MRI's show the reactions in the brain. It takes weeks to months to rewire our brains to have our pleasure sensors function as they should, but it only takes 1 week of eating poorly to rewire them back. :(

When I went to Tahoe for my cousin's wedding, I had no choice but to eat some sugars and unhealthy foods, or starve. There was no menu, there was eat this, or go hungry. That's all it took to throw me off. I had a 25 pound weight loss when I went, and by the time I had been home for 3 weeks, I had gained 5 of that back. I could not get back to eating right. I couldn't give up that sugar. That's when I started my 30 x 30 goal to get me back on track. 30 more pounds off by my 30th birthday. Today, I am still 14.6 pounds into that goal, and I'm proud of that!! The fact that I have still managed to go 6 months without a single soda of coffee, gives me great assurance in myself, that I can do this for the rest of my life! I just have to stay away from sugar. For me, it's not something that can be in my life.

All it took was 5 days of my parents being here for Christmas, and all of us eating cookies and such, to throw me off again. I was actually ahead of schedule on my 30x30 goal when they got here, and now I am 7.2 pounds behind. All because once I have sugar, I can't let go of it. I will say though, that even though it was still hard, this time was easier than the previous times, so I think my body is really making progress. My mind too. Instead of gaining all the weight back, or 5 pounds back, I've only gained 1. For me, sugar is a big no no. I can't have one brownie and be okay. Just like an alcoholic can't have one drink and be okay. Everybody's journey is different.

God has been teaching me that so much of this journey is about submission to Him, and not just losing weight. I've lost lots of weight in the past, just eating to lose weight, not eating to be healthy, and not eating to please Him. It's never been the way to go. Each choice I make with my food an exercise is about submitting to God's will for my life, and putting my body and mind in a position where it is fit to serve Him. What has really helped me since Monday, is praying before EVERYTHING I eat. When I thank God for the food I'm about to eat, and ask Him to help it to nourish me to good health, and fuel my body to serve Him, and my family....well you can just imagine what though runs through the mind if I am praying this over a cookie! ;) I hand it to one of the kids and I grab something else. I have forgotten a couple times. It's hard to remember when just grabbing a string cheese out of the fridge, but I think with repitition, it will become a lifelong habbit. I am learning to look at food as fuel. Fuel to help me carry out God's will for my life. Not as comfort, not as pleasure. God is our comfort, our family is our pleasure! :)

I am looking forward to EXCELLENT numbers next week! Pray for me! I got in my Shaklee vitamins yesterday, and I am SO INCREDIBLY excited to finally be taking them! I've wanted them for over 2 years. Ever since I tried their cleaning products, and fell in love with them. I just couldn't see spending that kind of money on vitamins when I wasn't putting much effort towards eating healthy or exercising. So, please come back next week, and I will have GOOD results for you!!!